Welcome back to the FINAL 'Ask Julieta' of 2021! We're rounding out the year talking about threesomes, masturbation, and sex drive. This month’s questions from you are aimed to rev up your pleasure, and some simple tips of mine can do the trick. The holidays are coming, and so are you!
How to find a third for a threesome?
Congrats on your journey to find a third! It can feel daunting to find a third, almost like you’re dating again - which, you kind of are. I find that the easiest way to find a third is to create a couple’s profile on networks like Tinder, SDC.com, #open, or Feeld. While Tinder is more mainstream, the remaining apps are more aimed at non-monogamous folks and couples. They also give great options in listing your needs, expectations, and boundaries + stating that you would like someone for a threesome. This helps taking away the awkward encounter of asking any random person.
Threesomes and/or group sex can be a common fantasy. This can be a way to increase intimacy and passion in a relationship, but only if you and your partner are on the same page. So it is extremely important to make sure that you and your partner are completely on board and have a solid understanding of each other's expectations when inviting a third party into your relationship.
Once you find someone, I recommend taking them on a “date” to vet them and see if you like their vibe. If it’s a go, take them to the bedroom!
Are there any other sex toys or items you like to “pair” with a thruster?
As someone who really loves clitoral stimulation, I highly enjoy pairing my Thruster with a clitoral vibrator. If you're a vagina owner, the clitoral stimulation matched with the thrusting and vibing internal stimulation takes you to complete bliss - I would highly recommend! If you are a penis owning friend, try wearing a cock-ring while using your Thruster. The pairing of these can really intensify your orgasm.
How can I relax more during sex?
The most common reason we can’t relax during sex is because we are too in our heads - I get it. Life is busy, work may be hard, maybe you have kids running around at home - you need a way to center back. Real life tends to take over our brains sometimes and we need to figure out a way to let go.
As an anxious person myself, I find that taking 2-3 minutes to practice breath-work helps me relax and drop back into my body. Try inhaling for 6 seconds through the nose, and exhaling 6 seconds through the nose. Put a hand over your heart to feel the beats, and you will notice they will start to slow down.
You can even practice this breathing technique while you’re having sex or receiving oral sex - enjoy every sensation!
On a deeper level, for certain people there is also sometimes a feeling of shame or that sex is taboo that stems from your upbringing. Those feelings can fester underneath the surface and cause problems with more than just your sexual pleasure. If this is the case, this is definitely a situation where you might need to seek outside help. Feelings like this can create negative effects for more than just sexual circumstances.
Can you desensitize yourself from too much masturbation?
Lucky for us, this is a myth! Unless we massively injure ourselves, getting desensitized in the genitals from just masturbation won’t happen. What can happen is we get USED to a type of stimulation, training our brains to get off on it. This can make different sensations harder to climax with, since we have trained ourselves to get off one way - I recommend switching up your self pleasure routine a few times a week to combat this.
You can also get quite sore from too much masturbation, making it flat out painful. If you're a penis owner and the skin on your penis feels a bit raw or your vulva/clitoris start feelings sore, it’s time for a much needed break. And when you are able to ease back into things, maybe try it less frequency.
Ways to naturally increase your sex drive?
A low sex drive is a common issue in males, females, and people of all genders. When folks experience issues with sex drive (also known as their libido), I always ask them to look at the basics: Are you sleeping enough? Eating well? Managing your stress levels? Staying hydrated? Exercising? All these affect your libido, and chances are if one is lacking…that is why you are having some troubles.
I suggest committing to one week of doing all the above really well, and see if your sex drive starts to pick up. Keep in mind certain medications like anti-depressants can really impact sex drive as well, so speak to your doctor if you feel any medications could be affecting you.
