Being single can be a glorious thing. Some of us choose to be single our whole lives. Some of us prefer meaningful short-term dating with periods of flying solo interspersed. Some of us are single over a breakup or a loss, and we may not have chosen that.
Here at Velvet, we want to remind the people that singledom does not equate to aloneness. We are in relationship with ourselves, our communities, and our non-human kin (hello, plants and pets) — always.
Single and Fabulous, check.
We brought in one of our all-time favorite sexperts to go deep on all things single-and-loving-it. Cy from Super Smash Cache talks about societal expectations, super-self-care tips, and all about loving your true ride or die—yourself.
Velvet Thruster asks Cy Smash:
- How would you advise someone newly single or single-despite-their-wishes to embrace this holiday without feeling overwhelmed with loneliness or inadequacy?
First things first: no matter what your relationship status is or how you feel about it, there are opportunities for love and joy all around you, as you are now.
Second, remember that being single and being alone are not synonymous. You can be single and have plenty of supportive figures to share your life with: friends, family, community, and pets. Now is the time to water, grow, and strengthen those connections.
Third, singlehood isn’t inherently the absence of something — it can be the presence of a you that isn’t compromising with a partner’s wants and needs. Consider singlehood an opportunity to pursue a wild opportunity or indulgent activity that you just hadn’t gotten around to before — or that you were previously worried a partner might judge you for. You deserve fun dates with or without a partner.
You deserve to add deliciousness to your life. That brings me to my next point.
- The cultural messages that women especially receive about singlehood and worth can be especially harsh.
I’d like to extend a few reminders.
There’s no set timeline for everyone. Some people marry young and divorce young. Some people get married at 60 after knowing each other for six weeks and stay together for life because they just fucking know what they want.
There’s no set amount of “fixing” or “healing” work you must do before you’ve earned a romantic partnership. Some people marry their high school sweethearts simply because they were lucky enough to find someone they are highly compatible with. It’s not because they were perfect or worked on themselves more than someone who married later.
Being partnered isn’t necessarily evidence of being better or more desirable. For example, breaking up with someone doesn’t mean you’ve regressed or are less on track to being a “real adult” just because you’re now unpartnered. It means that you’ve learned more about yourself, lost some dead weight, and are continuing a path to building a life on your terms. You get to decide what the benchmarks are for your values and who you want to be.
Breakups and draining talking phases are rough, but divorce is expensive.
I’m not going to lie; the shame and perceived inadequacy around singlehood are a lot to unpack for some people. If reframing is rough and you want to wallow for a bit, it’s okay to feel it to heal it. Sit with the tension in your body, shake it out, dance, do some intense exercise, or scream into a pillow. That can be a form of self-care, too.
- What's a self-pleasure ritual any individual, regardless of relationship status, can embrace on this day to affirm and validate themselves?
To me, it’s all about adding extra TLC to everyday things.
- Fill an essential oil diffuser.
- Lotion your body and take time to rub in.
- Season your food with decadence.
- Wear lingerie you feel good in. Maybe take some sassy selfies if that’s your thing.
- Read smutty romance or watch oddly specific porn without feeling guilty. Not everything you consume has to be in the service of “work on yourself”; you can enjoy it just to enjoy it.
- Attach a suction cup toy (Velvet Prime Sammie, anyone?) to the mirror and watch yourself fuck yourself.
Finally, if you’re looking for fantastic books about embracing the single life, I recommend:
- A Single Revolution: Don't look for a match — light one by Shani Silver
- The Selfish Romantic: How to date without feeling bad about yourself by Michelle Elman
Thanks for supporting Velvet. Use the discount code SUPER20 at any of our stores for 20% off with your order.
Follow @velvetthruster Instagram and say "Yes" to post notifications for new products and sales across all our brands. You can also find Cy on Instagram (@supersmashcache) and on her blog, supersmashcache.com.